We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
