we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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