I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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