i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
