so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
