all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
