Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
