I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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