I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
