Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
