Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
