We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
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The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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