just come out here and I will go home with you...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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