Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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