i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All I want is dick and wine.
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