Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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