he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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