I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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