totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
