You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When are your genitals available?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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