You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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