Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
