I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
