Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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