the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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