I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
