First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
