good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
