The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
