NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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