I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
