I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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