ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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