dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
