Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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