I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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