Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
