all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
