just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
