whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
