I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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