i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
