There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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