dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i think i have two assholes
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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