Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
