i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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