I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After tacos, we're chasing women.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
