ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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