i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
