Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
