I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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