i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
