Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
