Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
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the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She's the barista slut.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
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Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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