She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
