Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
