If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
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We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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