im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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